I have talked about our struggle with infertility and the sadness surrounding it. I feel inclined to just be quiet about all of this, but it didn't feel quite right.
On Father's Day I gave Brian a positive pregnancy test. He was thrilled, I was reserved. On Tuesday I thought I was going to puke every time I smelled even the hint of cigarette smoke. On Wednesday I spit out steak and all I wanted was raw red peppers. I let myself get excited.
After the last chemical pregnancy we knew that I would not have any miscarriage symptoms, so we decided we'd take a test every week until we got a heartbeat on an Ultrasound. On Monday the test came back negative. We were shocked. I had absolutely zero desire for meat or cigarettes, that constitutes brain tumor level personality change. Sure I had stopped smoking, but not because I wanted to!
Its easier and harder this time around. Its easier because it was familiar territory. It was easier because I knew it might be coming. It was harder because I have the old pain and the new pain all rolled together into one big mass in my chest.
I often find the idea of an entirely sovereign deity comforting. Basically, there is nothing I can screw up, no matter what I do the train stays on the track. My fallibility is a tool in his hands, not a counterforce. I have found no comfort in it this time. It feels like the plan is to hurt me. What glory could this possibly bring to God? I've been praying for a child, and everyone knows I've been praying for a child, so wouldn't he be glorified through me keeping a baby? So what good came from this? The only things that was accomplished, that I can see, is that I am heartbroken and it has been reaffirmed that I am a screw-up. I am a screw-up at a cellular level!
Prayers are appreciated and I'm not really up to talking about it anymore than I just have. It's a lot easier to "talk" about it this way. There is a lot of misinformation and differing opinion when it comes to fertility and women's health. I find very helpful people who want to tell me what their sister, mother, cousin, best-friend, or whoever did to get pregnant. I have not found a polite way to explain exactly why cough syrup might have helped your sister-in-law get pregnant but would not help me. I get very stressed out explaining to a woman who has gone through infertility, and subsequent treatment, and who understands the pain I'm feeling, that I am theologically opposed to reproductive technology. So for the time being, I will be fine, I just need time.
"O LORD of hosts if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid and remember me and not forget thine handmaid but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life." - Hannah's Prayer