Self-Defense

Conservative :
–adjective
1. disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change.


I need to say this. I am literally being kept awake by this train of thought.

For those that don't know, I have a nose ring and red hair, like RED red. I am now closer to 30 than I am to 25. I have some ideas that would be classified as socialist after the 19th Century, though it is mostly about caring for the poor and less about Marxist philosophy. I went through a rebellious phase in my late teens and early twenties, but really in the scheme of things my rebellion was minor. I have been in 4 different formal education programs in 3 states and 2 continents, though I never graduated. I am incredibly well read. If you know my father there is a very good chance that he is the smartest person you know, and quite a lot of my informal education came from him. He did not so much teach me what to think, but how to think.

There are certain people who have known me since I was young who seem to believe because I never took my nose ring out and I like my hair to be funny colors, I must still be that crazy college kid. I am some crazy, liberal, punk rock nut. Well this is my least confrontational way to be confrontational.

I am more conservative than all of you.

No I don't vote exclusively Republican, but I'm not talking about American politics. I am talking about centuries of tradition and philosophy which you reject because it isn't trendy. I am talking about choosing your religious convictions based on 20th century pop-theology instead of what every branch of the Christian church taught for the previous 19 centuries.

I cover my head in church because the Bible says to do it for the sake of the angels. I believe in breastfeeding, and natural medicine because I believe that God is smarter than scientists. I attend a liturgical church because I believe that the church is not a building, or even all the Christians on earth, but every believer who has ever lived and so by using the same prayers, Psalms, and movements that have been used for 2000 years I am worshiping with everyone else who has used those prayers, Psalms, and movements. I am a Neoplatonist like St. Augustine, Origen, and C.S. Lewis. I believe that truth is truth. I believe in traditional gender roles because the point of Genesis is not to be a science book but to tell us about the character of God. It shows us that without understanding what makes men men and women women we will never understand what makes God God. I believe that God created everything on earth for our benefit and that moderation shows character and prohibition shows weakness. To quote St. Augustine, "Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation." I keep my nose ring because God thinks it's beautiful. I dye my hair because I think its beautiful and God doesn't give me any direction against it.

I am not upset that people don't embrace my opinions or insights.  But never claim it's because I'm liberal. Never claim that it is because I am rebellious. Never claim that it is because my ideas are unsubstantiated. Never claim it is because my opinions are uneducated. Never claim it is because I am young. I am an adult. I am informed. I am traditional. I am a Christian. I am conservative. I am sorry if that makes you have to admit your opinions of me are based on shallow sensibilities or extra-biblical philosophies, but that's how it is.

I Like Me Today

I discovered something this week. I kinda like myself.
 I remember getting guacamole on my nachos by accident as a teenager. I hated guacamole. I had tried it at some vague point in the past and hated it, but it was sitting there. I tried the green mush, and it was really good. It turns out that sometime, who knows when, I actually had grown to like guacamole.
That's how I felt this week. I have never liked me before. I was one of my least favorite people. Now, I enjoy my company. I have fun sewing with myself. I now have the same hobbies as myself. I've always admired craftiness, but thought I was incapable, turns out I'm quite capable. My clothes have been changing steadily. When Grandmom died I look at my closet and realized I did not have a black dress to wear to the funeral. For the better part of my life I have not had anything but black clothes in my wardrobe. I have wanted Zulu Knots in my hair since I was 15. I would twist my hair up and love it, but talk myself out of them before a single soul every saw them. Last night, I put Zulu Knots in my hair and wore them to a wedding today.
So I find myself asking, how comfortable am I in my own skin now? Do I care what anyone else thinks about my hair or my clothes or my music? If I want to listen to Joan Jett, Rufus Wainwright, Pink, and The Beatles, all in the same playlist then why is that any of your business? It's who I am and I will enjoy my playlist, hippy skirts and funky hair with me.
I was surfing for free patterns on the internet and found this one pattern. It's nothing I have ever seen anyone wear. It might look absolutely ridiculous to the outside observer, but I like it. So how comfortable am I really? I think I am going to make it tomorrow.  I think I may have reached a point where I am not my own biggest critic. I might even have actually become my second biggest fan.