Death

My grandmother died last night. About 8 hours ago. She would have been 90 years old in June. My dad has been taking care of her for years, it was 8 years ago this month that she and my grandfather moved in with us. It was almost 6 years ago that my grandfather past.
She has been so out of it. There is only one instance in the last 6 months that I can recall her having any real personality or thought of her own. She was in pain last night, she could only get comfortable and stop moaning if she was held up on her side. So Dad sat with her in her bed and held her until she could rest. It was all very poetic and appropriate in a circle of life, I Love you Forever, kinda way. But its strange. I didn't think I would be sad when she died. I had thought about it. I had hoped that all the suffering would end. It had gotten too hard to watch this shell of a person decay in front of me.
So why did my knees wrinkle under me and my eyes well up? Why is it that the only thing I can think is that I bought her hot chocolate mix for Christmas? Why is it that I just can't fathom what else I can possibly do with 12 varieties of hot chocolate mix? She stopped eating a week or two ago. The only thing she would take in was tepid hot chocolate and vanilla ice cream. So I got her hot chocolate mix in brightly colored boxes. Because when there were bright bold colors she smiled and said how pretty it was, even if she had no idea what was. So I bought her Hot chocolate and I put a shiny bow on it and it is under my tree. What do you do with Christmas gifts that are wrapped under the tree for a dead person? Do you give them to someone else? Do you say "Hey I wasn't going to get you this, but I already spent the money and she's dead?" Do you keep it? I mean I can't serve my Grandmom's hot chocolate to other people. I don't drink hot chocolate.
What do I do with the hot chocolate?

Happy Thanksgiving

It doesn't feel like a holiday today. I remember as a kid, as a teenager, even as recently as maybe 18 months ago, my stomach would get little electric butterflies in it. When the sun went down I started to buzz. Not Christmas, I never really liked Christmas, but Thanksgiving made me buzz. I can't put my finger on anything particularly memorable that ever happened on Thanksgiving. In fact, I can remember some awful Thanksgivings that made me want to run away and join the circus. But as irrational, infuriating, or ignorant as any single member of my family can be, I still vibrated with anticipation of a day spent eating and playing games with them.

I'm not buzzing. I don't know why. Something killed my electric butterflies.

Ramble

I apologize if this is meandering. I need to work this out.

We are going to lose our house. Our mortgage payment is a fraction of what rent would be, even in places I wouldn't be willing to live. Our property taxes are exactly the same each month as our mortgage payment. They went up over $200 a month this year, they may go up again next year.

A could very conceivably get a job that would still make the payment, but that doesn't cover what we are behind on. There is government funding to help with that, but they won't give it to us because our W-2s look awful. The only reason we've survived this long, was some help here and there from family, money from Dan whose rent payments are unofficial, and a job I got in December and had until April. None of this shows up on last years W-2 which is how they are judging our worthiness.

All those "help stop foreclosure" websites and organizations are for people who got mortgages for obscene interest rates from predatory lenders. We have a great rate. Our township is a predatory taxer and there is no help. We will never get another mortgage after what the last 2 years have done to our credit. (In an attempt to avoid hyperbole I suppose I should say we won't get a mortgage for 3-7 years.)

All of that is about money. I don't like money, I don't understand money, and I am bad with money. This is what it come down to. I love my little house. There is work that needs to be done on it, a lot of work, but it is my house. With my purple walls, my green bathroom, and my tiny kitchen. I want to finish the basement as a 4th bedroom and 2nd bathroom. I have plans for cabinets over the island with a wrack for stemware. My bedroom is the safest place in the world and no one can hurt me there. I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE.

I'm not asking for a mansion. I'm asking for a way to keep my little row home, grumpy neighbor and all. I'm not asking for a hand-out. I am asking for a chance to work. I'm not asking for a 6-figure salary, but a 5-figure one would be nice.

I want a chance to succeed.

My dad told me this story about when he was in seminary. He had no shoes, his only pair got a hole in the sole. He couldn't afford a new pair of shoes appropriate for school, and for pulpit-fill. So he prayed for shoes.I'm pretty sure he was expecting a pair that fit at a 2nd hand store. Instead 3 pairs of new shows, just his size, came into his life from 3 different places. So I've prayed. I've had faith. Every application I've sent in, every interview either of us has had, I get EXCITED. I'm like a kid on Christmas. I figure out how the schedule would work, where the money would go first and how to stretch the pennies for the first 6 months so that we can make up for what we've missed.

Every application, every interview, goes wrong. And now it's passed, unless I get a miraculous job by mid-October we are done. There is no more deferment, there is no more stalling. I know miracles can happen, and I know miracles do happen, but how long do you hold your breathe for a miracle?

I don't know where I will be living in 2 months. I am scared out of my mind. Yet again the lectionary smacked my knuckles with a ruler. Matthew 6:24-34 "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

I believe, I really truly believe, I see the evidence of God's faithfulness in other people's lives every day. I see people who have a path laid out for them and as long as they walk that path everything comes together. But after years and years of looking and trying and failing, I thought, THIS TIME, I was on the right path. I thought that this time this path was right. Brian in seminary, me at DCPC, both committing to ministry with zeal and joy. So where do we go from here? Because nobody is calling me back. Because nobody is flying in at this final hour to whisk us out of the fire, at least not yet. So just like everything else in my life I am pessimistically idealistic. No matter how many times life proves to me that I will not win. No matter how sure I am I will never win. I'm always holding my breathe as the buzzer sounds. Maybe, just maybe, this time, I will have been wrong and good things will happen.

P.S. To save you all the trouble: Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those that are called according to his purpose." And to save me the trouble: Trust me, I was an English major, that verse is only comforting if you put the commas in the right places! Are we called according to his purpose, or is the good according to his purpose? And the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever, so if our misery brings glory, then by definition it is good because it has accomplished our chief end. Just because God promises all things to work together for good, it does not mean that this situation will end well, nor does it mean that I won't be accidentally deported to Siberia with a sun-dress and a bible. Maybe I am meant to freeze and be buried in a snow-drift so that some future post-Christian Siberian can find it and rediscover the gospel. You see all things work together for good, but that doesn't mean I'm going to like it, or that I am not going to fail.

Christian Music

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this today to me forever
By power of faith, Christ’s incarnation;
His baptism in Jordan river,
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb,
His riding up the heavenly way,
His coming at the day of doom
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of cherubim;
The sweet ‘Well done’ in judgment hour,
The service of the seraphim,
Confessors’ faith, Apostles’ word,
The Patriarchs’ prayers, the prophets’ scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the star lit heaven,
The glorious sun’s life giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind’s tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, His shield to ward;
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours,
Against their fierce hostility
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan’s spells and wiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart’s idolatry,
Against the wizard’s evil craft,
Against the death wound and the burning,
The choking wave, the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till Thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.
By Whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
Salvation is of Christ the Lord.

- St. Patrick's Breastplate

Over the Mountains and the Seas,

Your river runs with Love for me,

And I will open up my heart

And let the healer set me free.

I'm happy to be in the truth

And I will daily life my hands,

For I will always sing of when your love came down.

I could sing of your love forever (4x)

- I Could Sing of Your Love Forever

Twelve men went to spy on Cannan

Ten were bad and two were good

What did they see when they spied on Cannan?

Ten were bad and two were good

Some saw giants big and tall

Some saw grapes in clusteres fall

Some saw God was in it all

Ten were bad and two were good

-Twelve Men Spy on Cannan

I find myself a little disappointed in St. Patrick for that hymn, because it is repetitive. I shake my head and say, so that's where they get it. But then I read it again and realize that the repetition has a purpose. That hymn teaches so much. It teaches the basics of the trinity, the creeds, the nature of omniscience, and the importance of theological orthodoxy. This is the purpose of hymns. Christian music starts out in the early church as Psalters and other scripture. Like the Hebrew people before them they sang the scripture, which encouraged memorization. We still do this today, especially for children. I can remember so many songs from Sunday School and Summer Camp that told the basic story of Noah, or the 12 spies on Canaan. These songs were simple, for children, and they told the story with one or two final lines that told me the significance of that story.

There were scripture songs, they were just important verses set to music, sometimes, again, with a summational line. Then hymns began to evolve in the 7th Century, particularly in Ireland and England, but their purpose remains the same. They teach, now theology and much more complex concepts. In a time when most people were illiterate, the church still knew the importance of an intellectual understanding of Christ.

The protestants spread their messages through hymns, Luther especially. The Great Awakening is spread through music, the Wesley's together pen hymns that get the church through a century of changes.

We reach the modern and post modern age and this whole structure seems to disappear in the American church. What do these songs teach? I think the better question might be, how many songs do we need to have to learn that God is love? What about the nature of that love? Well it sets us free, okay, from what? Where is the establishment of the need for that love?

Now, I have been corrected, there are a handful of modern songs that are hymns, even if I find the settings to be inappropriate for a sanctuary. I wonder what the state of the church will be in 20 or 50 years, when there are few if any hymns that address the theological needs of a church in the post-modern age. Do the teenagers in our churches have any answers when asked about the nature of the trinity? Can the adults in our churches explain the difference between polytheism and trinitarian monotheism? Even in an age where almost everyone can read, people need context to read in. How do you tell the difference between your heart's desire and the Spirit's leading if we haven't been taught the nature of the Spirit? Teaching is imperative, and not just pithy one line "truths", but real teaching. The nature of omniscience is not too complex a concept. We have dumbed down everything else about life, why not God?

If an illiterate Irish herdsman can memorize and sing St. Patrick's Breastplate, then anyone with a 5th grade education is more than prepared to hear about omniscience from the pulpit. We worship Christ through our understanding of him, not the random repetition of his name thrown into a mixture of love, forever, Abba, and sundry prepositions and adjectives.

"Let my find you by loving you,

let me love you by finding you." - St. Thomas Aquinas

My Hero

Brian and I had a huge fight this weekend. It went pretty much the same way all of our fights go. To sum up, Brian does something a little dumb, I over-react, he informs me I am over-reacting, I yell and slam doors, he stays fairly calm and un-slams the doors, I get more upset because he is so calm and I can't seem to calm down, he apologizes for whatever he did that I have blown completely out of proportion, and then I apologize for everything else.

When it was all over and we were sitting on the bed Brian looked at me and said "I'm sorry." Our apologies had all been said, everything had been covered, I really had no idea what he was talking about. "I want you to feel like a treasure." I told him that I knew he loved me, that I knew I was important to him. He corrected me, he didn't want me to feel that he treasured me, but that I was a treasure. He wants me to know that I am of infinite value, not that he values my infinitely.

Well, I was speechless, and he proceeded to enumerate his failures. That was when I realized that I had failed him even more than he felt he had failed me. He's my hero. He is my knight in shining armor who battles every dragon that ever threatens to devour me. Sometimes his horse isn't properly shooed, or his armor is a little dingy, but he always slays my dragons. Yet, all he sees is the shoes and the dingy, because I see them.

I remember being a kid and someone always pointed out how I could have done better. I know they thought they were criticizing constructively, but it taught me to say, "Thank you for rescuing me, but if you don't fix that horseshoe you might kill us both next time."

It's wrong. It is 100% wrong and I am confessing that to him, to you, to God, and anyone else who is listening.

So today we went to church, and I was grumpy, because I hadn't slept well and my dress was not cooperating and Brian was going to be late when he was reading, and hadn't gotten the passages ahead of time, and it was all my fault. When we get into church it turns out that the reading was Ephesians 5:21-33 (KJV) "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

I just sat there, and I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging open. Now this is not the first, or even the hundredth, time I've heard that passage; but do you see it? A man is supposed to make his wife a treasure and to be her hero. It's right there!

So I have a new goal. My goal is to show my husband everyday that he is heroic. I am going to make sure I do the really simple things, like not taking him for granted, saying please and thank you even when I'm in a hurry, and telling him when he's made my life better.

I wonder what it would do for the divorce rate in this country if we taught this as romance again? Bring on the fairytale princesses! Even if the only dragon my husband slays tomorrow is an empty gas tank, it's something he's done for me and he searches for needs to fill. My job is to let him know how much better my life is because there is gas in my tank and he put it there.

A Prayer

Holy Father, use my work to Your glory and always remind me that nothing is done without Your willing it. Reward me with clarity and chasten me with futility. Make my tongue quick, my heart soft, my mind sharp, my knee bent, and my eyes fixed on you. Remind me of the tradition of holiness and not just the history of perversion. Guide my thoughts and actions first by scripture and then by the wisdom of the saints who have gone before me. Lighten my burden, strengthen my faith, cleanse my heart and create a profound sense of gratitude in all I do. Give me a portion of Your love, Your forgiveness, and Your patience for every person You place in my life. Remind me daily that the greatest goal I can strive for is to be reduced myself in order to reflect You to those I meet. Above all, give me the all encompassing peace that comes only from total surrender to You. In Christ I pray, AMEN

The Side Effect of Hope

Warning: Post contains references to female reproductive cycles.

I got my period today. Which is 86 days since the last time, which for me, without medication, is a really good sign. I have all my herbs and my thermometer and calendars. I didn't ovulate last cycle, but I hold high hopes for this month, I'm doing low-carb and I've been walking.
Last cycle I couldn't help myself and I counted. If I had conceived my due date would have been my birthday. I told myself, I promised myself, that I wouldn't do that again. How long did this resolution last you might ask? 8 hours. I was updating my calendar with information about my parents upcoming trip and I did it, I counted. Average first pregnancy count vs. "due date" count would have me giving birth on Mother's Day. I thought I was going to cry. I had this image in my head of holding a baby in my arms and nursing for the first time as the sun rises on Mother's Day morning.
Brian likes these images. He likes the way that my mind illustrates concepts and they make him smile. He fell in love with me while I described the scene I had in my head of watching my first child take his first steps. But I don't feel these images the same way. They aren't pleasant "maybe one day" things. They are tiny deaths. The baby that might have been born on my birthday was then a child I lost. And if I don't get pregnant this month I will lose that baby that I see in my arms on Mother's Day morning.
Every month, every week, every day I wake up with the image of the way the world should be and I am always disappointed. If I didn't see the world as it should be in such perfect clarity. I could be content. If my hope didn't come in Technicolor. If my dreams weren't like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel that alters itself to guarantee a happy ending. Because life doesn't have happy endings. Life has real endings. Life has bitter endings. Always bitter, if you're lucky bittersweet. If you're blessed bittersweet. If divinity intervenes on the behalf of mortality, then there is something that makes the bitter, not only palatable, but intoxicating and fabulous.
So I don't lose all hope, because hope is faith. To have hope is to believe that there is a higher power. There is no way to conceive of a world where anything good happens without a power that makes that good; because a glance at humanity proves that relationships, disease, incompetence, hatred, and ignorance untempered only kill us if we're lucky, otherwise they simply poison our spirits and make each moment unbearable. I let my hope, my faith, run like a film in my head and then when life disappoints I crash into that poisonous cesspool that is my mind. There are days that I can't get out of bed because the disappointment is so overwhelming. But I did it anyway, and I knew instantly what a mistake it was, and chances are I will do it again and again and again, because faith is hope. I have faith and so I embrace the insanity of hope. Like a fool I keep going back to that kernel of a dream that I can't let go of. I believe that it's coming right around the bend. If I believed it was years away I would know I don't have the stamina. If I believe that it's right around this next bend I can do it. I don't have two more years in me, but I can always handle two more weeks. Even if it's 52 times that I wait for 2 more weeks, it's better than wrapping my self around two more years. So at the end of those two week waits I find myself back in that pool of despair that shackles me to my bed. Then something happens that pulls me forward one more time.

Why My Heart Is Breaking

Then said Elkanah her husband to her, Hannah, why weepest thou? and why eatest thou not? and why is thy heart grieved? am not I better to thee than ten sons? So Hannah rose up after they had eaten in Shiloh, and after they had drunk. Now Eli the priest sat upon a seat by a post of the temple of the LORD. And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore. And she vowed a vow, and said, O LORD of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. And it came to pass, as she continued praying before the LORD, that Eli marked her mouth. Now Hannah, she spake in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard: therefore Eli thought she had been drunken. And Eli said unto her, How long wilt thou be drunken? put away thy wine from thee. And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD. Count not thine handmaid for a daughter of Belial: for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief have I spoken hitherto. Then Eli answered and said, Go in peace: and the God of Israel grant thee thy petition that thou hast asked of him. And she said, Let thine handmaid find grace in thy sight. So the woman went her way, and did eat, and her countenance was no more sad. - 1 Samuel 1:8-18

"For Hannah, having a child was the ultimate expression of her relationship with God," according to Holly Pavlov, author of Mirrors of Our Lives- Reflections of Women in Tanach. "It was as a mother, she felt, that she could serve God best. Therefore, her bitterness was a spiritual distress, an expression of spiritual loss. This prayer, then, was not merely about her own needs, but about her ability to serve God." (Found this here.)

I conceived a child a year ago. The timing is debatable and the midwives and I never bothered to nail down an exact date. Suffice it to say that it was about a year ago. I had a miscarriage, which is also nothing new. I've spent the last year trying to get it together. Trying to fix everything in my life that might have been wrong. There is a long list of things that might cause a loss as early as mine.
I cut down my caffeine intake. I don't take NSAIDs. I have been exercising (got out of it the last couple weeks, but anyway.) I have quit smoking. I don't drink often or much. I take vitamins and herbs. I am attempting to eat whole foods. Even my ridiculous dinner tonight had only 1 ingredient that was processed.
Yet, everyday coke-heads, 300 pound Jerry Springer guests, and other sundry women get pregnant. I really thought I was okay. I'm studying to be a labor doula. There was this whole part about my own issues and dealing with them. I thought that I had put it all in its proper Westminster Catachism perspective.
Then I started getting healthier. I had a period naturally for the first time in over 2 years. This meant things were suppose to be getting on track. I was thrilled to have another one. Unlike other women who are trying to have a baby I look at it as a sign that my body is doing what it is meant to do. But the second one didn't come. And then I threw up. And then the smell of the court room in Media on Monday had my so nauseated I was sweating. And then we took a test and it was negative. I was so sure this time. I've thought I might be pregnant before. But never this sure.
Yes, we can adopt. We have always planned to adopt even if we did have biological children. But, it all comes back to giving birth. I want to be a midwife. I want to be a doula. I have a passion for childbirth. My studies convinced me that birth has a distinct spiritual and theological significance. It is the reason I believe what I do about God and what it means to be a woman. Yet right now I feel very sure I am never going to experience it. I believe in predestination. I knew someone once who believed in God and predestination but believed that he wasn't chosen. Thats how I feel. I feel like I know all about this thing and how special and wonderful it can be but I will never have it.
So my heart is broken. So I am embarrassed. So I am depressed. So I don't feel a whole lot like celebrating my second wedding anniversary. So I don't feel much like doing much of anything.

Universalism

I want to be a Universalist. I want to truly believe that whatever happens you will die and go to a better place. But I don't. It doesn't make logical sense. There has to be a scale or else there just has to be everyone. Either Mao and Mother Theresa sip mimosas together in a shiny villa on the banks of Styx or there is some sort of entrance requirement.
This whole concept is against my nature. I am more in line with Terry Pratchett, it saves a lot of effort if everyone just gets what they truly expect deep down. So basic human guilt sends your rapists and genocidal maniacs where they need to be.
I know people who have no problem looking someone in the face and saying, "You're going to hell if you don't ". I can't do that. I can not judge someone. I believe in Christianity. I believe you need to believe. I believe there is a hell. But I can't believe it's my place to pronounce your belief inadequate. I'm more than happy to tell you all about my belief. I will admit to anyone who asks that I believe that belief in Christ is necessary.
In the end only God can judge what amount of belief is belief or how much ignorance is bliss. So I don't think I will ever say "You are ____ therefore you are going to hell." But I think I will say "I believe in orthodox Christianity and it defines my universe and it is the root of everything good in my life."

Headcovering

So there are people who have some theories on why I have begun to wear head coverings in church.

1- I believe that everything in the Bible is to be taken literally and the culture of the writing is irrelevant.

2- I am trying to be more "Catholic".

3- I have a some kind of drive to rebel.

4- I have been brainwashed by my ultra-conservative upbringing into not thinking for myself and allowing myself and other women to be subjugated.

One through three have some amount of truth. The fourth is just ridiculous and obviously spoken by someone who has never met my mother.

I do believe that everything in the bible is true and that it was written when and how it was for a reason and that there is something to be gleaned from almost every verse in the Bible. There is the one exception of that greeting Paul has about his coat, but when I get to heaven I am asking what that was about! But my choice to cover my head comes from an understanding of the cultural context, not an ignorance of it.

A woman with her head uncovered speaking in an educated way in Corinth was a courtesan. So women were to cover their heads and not speak in public gatherings so that the upstanding citizens of Corinth did not assume that Christian women were women of ill repute. The respect for women comes in here, Paul never said stop educating Christian women.

So what does that have to do with me then? Nobody assumes I'm a call girl because I don't where a head covering. Well when you see me in a head covering you make some other assumptions. You assume my belief in traditional gender roles and I am set apart from other women. In a society that is working very hard to destroy the delineations between the genders this is my way of saying "Not me! I am a woman and I strive to play a woman's role."

I am trying to be more catholic. I am not trying to be more Catholic. I am trying to be in line with the church universal. Not just the modern church but the church that has existed for 2000 years. It isn't until the mid 19th Century that ANY creedal denomination condones a woman entering the sanctuary uncovered.

That leads to number three. I do have a need to rebel. I have a need to rebel against the modern church claiming an exclusive right to define a faith that is two millenia in the making. If this were truth, and God was in control, why would he allow his church to continue in darkness for 1875 years and then imbue American theologians with knowledge and understanding which he denied his children, and his bride, for that long? I rebel against the arrogance of modernity (and post-modernity) that says that somehow we are better equipped now than ever before to understand the nature of truth. Was God simply waiting for Americans to evolve from the lesser Christians in order that his will would truly be known?

I am not asking anyone to join me. I'm just asking you to consider what banners you chose to stand under.

Uptown Girl

Did you see this movie? Brittany Murphy is the orphaned daughter of a rockstar whose inheritance gets stolen and for the first time in her life she has to get a job. She spends all of her earnings at the high-end linens store on high-end linens because she gets an employee discount on Egyptian Cotton.

I feel like her right now. I'm trying to figure out how to live on very little. I am still trying to find a job (hummus didn't work out) and Brian isn't getting a whole lot of hours. So trim the fat they say. One person says Internet isn't necessary, but Internet is part of Dan's rent, him living here includes heat, water, electricity, and Internet. One person says cell phones are unnecessary. Another says that taking the kittens to Vermont was unnecessary, but that trip cost less than half what it would have cost to have them vaccinated and neutered.

I would love to just stop spending any money. But I don't know how. And everyone makes me feel like I'm spending every dime I have on high-end linens. Which foods are okay? Eggs aren't a luxury item but chicken is? Or is chicken frugal but hamburger is posh? Brian needs a pair of pants for work because he put a hole in the knee of his last pair. Is that okay? Am I allowed to buy him a pair of pants? Are fresh vegetables a luxury? So if everyong wants to tell me what is and isn't necesary then you all fight it out. I give up.

Let's Try To Be A Blogger Again

I have developed a new sense of self-discipline. So I will be making myself a schedule to accomplish a few things this summer. I don't think anyone truly understands how much of a different person I have become in the last year or so. 

1- I will read through the Bible starting the first day of summer and finishing by the first day of fall. Anyone who wants to do this with me is welcome to and I would LOVE the support.

2- I will complete my CBI Birth Doula course.

3- I will workout for at least 30 minutes at least 5 days a week.

4- I will Blog at least once a week

5- I will cook meals for Brian and I and eliminate fast food from our diet as well as try to find homemade alternatives for as many things as possible. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

6- I will remember my herbs & vitamins everyday.